Salvation for Dummies, the simple and
easy plan for salvation that you can do from the convenience of your own
home or office. Whether you're a busy professional on the run or just a
slacker without an ounce of motivation, Salvation For Dummies is for you!
Follow the easy formula and you're on your way to a better and more
rewarding life.
STEP ONE
Accept Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior. The son of God and
the one true way.
STEP
TWO
Done.
Salvation for Dummies is non-returnable. Attacks from Satan and society,
guilt, rejection from family and friends are common side effects.
Salvation for Dummies should not be taken on a full stomach as church
dinners and revivals are known to follow. You should not sin after you
take Salvations for Dummies. If you do sin you should seek immediate
repentance in order to accept the grace of God, the father. Not valid with
any other religious sects or idol worship. PLEASE NOTE: You will be judged
by your actions as well as your inactions. Enjoy your salvation!
There.
Wasn't that easy. And fun too! Now
that you are a genuine Christian you will receive, at
no additional charge, all the rights, privileges, burdens and
responsibility that come with serving the God of all creation.
THE ONE THING NO CHRISTIAN
SHOULD BE WITHOUT!
Now that you are a Christian you will also need your Christian
Survival Kit! In your survival kit
you will need the following items.
1. One Bible. Preferably well-used. Notes made in the margins are a
definite plus.
2. One church. Your church should, ideally, supply you with numerous
support facilities as well as several occasions to eat FREE
food that you didn't have to prepare yourself.
3. WWJD T-shirt
4. WWJD baseball hat.
5. WWJD poster.
6. WWJD key chain.
7. WWJD bumper sticker.
8. WWJD bracelet.
9. WWJD Christian CD. Once you purchase your WWJD Christian CD you will
probably find that you desire other Christian CD's. You can never have too
many Christian CD's nor can you play them too loudly. It is suggested that
you begin slowly with songs such as "Luv is a Verb" before
moving on to songs such as "Unqualified" or "The Hypocrite
Song" so as not to stress yourself out with anything that might make
you think, feel bad or question whether or not you are working hard enough
in your Christian walk. This is sometimes called Monday.
10. One rubber chicken. Everyone should have at least one rubber chicken.
Now that you have your Christian
Survival Kit you
are ready to begin your exciting journey as a Christian. But first, you
must be made aware of the possible pitfalls a Christian might come across
so that you might better avoid them. Here are the ten simple, Christian
Rules to follow.
1. Witness to others.
This is a Christian term for talking about stuff that no one wants to
hear. Some Christians have found ways to use gossip to witness. These
Christians are very clever and you will need to be very careful around
them. Besides telling people about God and how He caught you, you can
witness without words. God has given us T-shirts, baseball hats, posters,
key chains, bumper stickers and bracelets to help. Barring this you will
need to act in a Godly manner.
2. Be kind and polite,
even if you don't mean it. This will earn you brownie points you can use
later for cool things like Christian CD's and rubber chickens.
3. Be honest.
There are exceptions to this rule. For example, if some lady asks if she
looks fat, say "No." This may not be true but she isn't asking
you to find out the truth. She knows she's fat but wants to see if you can
see her big rear end too. God forgives lies like this because He knows her
rear end is big and forgives her. In addition, it will allow you to live
much longer, thereby giving you a greater chance to witness to others. See
rule one.
4. Don't fight or argue.
Even if the other person is smaller than you and you could take them out
with one punch. They may have an older brother that could knock your
lights out. Even if they don't, they most likely have a mom, and you don't
want to mess with their mom.
5. Read and study the
Bible. You cannot even
skip the boring parts because there might be a test to get into Heaven and
you don't want to take a chance with this one. Note: The possibilities of
cheating are small. God is sneaky and knows everything.
6. Pray.
This is your chance to talk to God and tell your side of the story.
Remember, God always answers your prayers, even when it doesn't seem like
it. Sometimes God doesn't understand the urgent need for a Play Station.
Patience is necessary because God is busy figuring out what to do with all
the politicians and Liberals.
7. Attend church.
This will most likely require a lot of sitting and being quiet. Most
likely your butt will fall asleep. This is why you will stand to sing.
This will not be a problem if you are Pentecostal. In that case you will
need a good pair of sneakers.
8. Depend upon the Holy
Spirit. This is an
important one. You will probably screw things up over and over again and
nobody will know what to do with you. You may have to ask the Holy Spirit
for help, guidance, courage etc. The Holy Spirit is sort of quiet so you
will have to turn the radio down a bit.
9. You will need to know
suffering is a blessing.
Jesus suffered and died on the cross so that you could have eternal life.
To get even God made broccoli.
10. You will also need to deal
with temptation. To do
this, here are a few simple sub-rules to the rules to remember.
A. If it tastes good, spit it out.
B. If you are enjoying yourself, stop it.
C. If it smells funny, don't eat it.
For God so loved
the world, that he gave his only
begotten Son, that whosoever believes in him shall
not perish, but have eternal life. - John 3:16
The
Important Stuff
We have a serious question to ask you (no really). Do you know Jesus as
your personal Lord and Savior. Would you like to? If so, please pray this
prayer. "As you confess it with your mouth and believe it with
your heart, you will be born again." (Romans 10:9-10)
Dear Lord Jesus, I need You in my life. I believe that You are the Son of
God and that You died on the cross for me. Please forgive me for my sins
and create in me a new person, clean and holy. Renew my spirit so that I
can hear Your voice. I accept You as my Savior! You are my Lord! Amen.
If you have just prayed this prayer, please e-mail us and yell at us, so
that we might pray with you and for you and so that we might be with you
in your new relationship with Jesus. We want to welcome YOU to the
family of God.
In the unlikely possibility that I missed
something or got it wrong, and you are in need of some information that
might actually be of some use, I would recommend the web site, "Knowing
God" from Cybergrace.com.
Disclaimer: The purpose of Salvation
for Dummies is not to be disrespectful, but to be playful. If you are one
of those Christians that thinks a smiling Christian is a sinning
Christian, please don't send me your angry email. You'll just end up
hurting my feelings and I can't imagine you wanting to do that. There are
those that think becoming saved is difficult. It is not. God has made the
path to salvation easy and clear. There is only one way. This is a
trip you cannot get lost on. In the same way, there are those that wonder
why Jesus spoke in parables. Was he purposely trying to confuse? I don't
think so. I believe that Jesus spoke to us as He would a small child.
Jesus told those around Him truths that they were unable to comprehend. He
made His points by speaking in the simplest of terms, using everyday
situations to illustrate greater meaning. God wants all His children to
find salvation and as such He has made the path clear. "That
whosoever believes in him shall not perish, but have eternal life."
If Salvation for Dummies has been a
blessing to you, your family or someone you know, drop us a line and tell
us about it here. If, on the
other hand, you have found Salvation for Dummies to be disrespectful and a
waste of time, you may send your note here.
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When was the last time
you sinned?
ROMANS 3:23
"for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God"
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